The Myth of Normal 92

The elemental root of “authenticity” is the Greek autos, or “self,” closely related to “author” and “authority.” To be authentic is to be true to a sense of self arising from one’s own unique and genuine essence, to be plugged into this inner GPS and to navigate from it. A healthy sense of self does not preclude caring for others, or being affected or influenced by them. It is not rigid but expansive and inclusive. Authenticity’s only dictate is that we, not externally imposed expectations, be the true author of and authority on our own life. The seed of woe does not lie in our having these two needs, but in the fact that life too often orchestrates a face-off between them. The dilemma is this: What happens if our needs for attachment are imperiled by our authenticity, our connection to what we truly feel? What happens, in other words, when one nonnegotiable need is pitted by circumstance against the other? These circumstances might include parental addiction, mental illness, family violence and poverty, overt conflict, or profound unhappiness—the stresses imposed by society, on children as well as adults. Even without these, the tragic tension between attachment and authenticity can arise. Not being seen and accepted for who we are is sufficient. Children often receive the message that certain parts of them are acceptable while others are not—a dichotomy that, if internalized, leads ineluctably to a split in one’s sense of self. The statement “Good children don’t yell,” spoken with annoyance, carries an unintended but most effective threat: “Angry children don’t get loved.” Being “nice” (read: burying one’s anger) and working to be acceptable to the parent may become a child’s way of survival. Or a child may internalize the idea that “I’m lovable only when I’m doing things well,” setting herself up for a life of perfectionism and rigid role identification, cut off from the vulnerable part of herself that needs to know there is room to fail—or even to just be unspectacularly ordinary—and still get the love she needs. Although both needs are essential, there is a pecking order: in the first phase of life, attachment unfailingly tops the bill. So when the two come into conflict in a child’s life, the outcome is well-nigh predetermined. If the choice is between “hiding my feelings, even from myself, and getting the